But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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