Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
