I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
