After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
