I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
