she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
