Princesses don't give blow jobs
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
