I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
