Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
