You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
