my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
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