should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
