fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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