I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
