like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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