White coat. Heels.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
