Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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