i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
