I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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