You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
