I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
