i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
