I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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