Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
