Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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