i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
