doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize