when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He passed out mid-signature
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
