my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I supernannyed him into submission
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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