I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
