The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
