Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
