Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just had sex on a roof
Randomize
