Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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