Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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