I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
