My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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