im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
