I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
