I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
