***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
