I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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