you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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