Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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