You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
