White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
