Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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