A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
