ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I feel like abortions should bother me more
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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