remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
