we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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