he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
