You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
