Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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