I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
