Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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