so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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