i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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