Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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