Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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