i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
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