im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i will never coherently bang her
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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