he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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